Artistic license is such a beautiful thing. It allows me to freely come up with words like “Defensive-ers” and totally get away with it. Anyway, defensive-ers anonymous is a group I made up a few seconds ago for people who tend to be viewed as defensive and I am currently the chair and sole group member. In my head, “Defensive-ers Anonymous” sounds way better than “Defensive Anonymous” so I just…*stops defending self*
Hi, my name is Bola and one too many times, I have been termed “defensive”.
This post is inspired by this totally awesome article I read on Gorgeous Brown Skin’s blog: Much Ado About Apologies
Defensive is defined as being “very anxious to challenge or avoid criticism”. Synonyms are self-justifying, prickly, paranoid, uptight, neurotic, oversensitive, *whollup, whollup, it’s okay* you get the point. Another definition is “constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.” Hmm.
Am I defensive? Well, yeah to some degree. However, I’m not a fan of all the synonyms above and I’d like to hope that they all do not adequately describe me. For me, the term “defensive” usually comes up in 3 situations: criticism of my art i.e my writing or idea, criticism of my character and criticism of my actions.
I take my writing so personally. P-e-r-s-o-n-a-l-l-y. So of course when I share something I’ve poured time and effort into and of which I am proud and someone else reads it and concludes that it is not so great am I supposed to break into a song-and-dance performance? Um, I don’t think so. Maybe the average person might be like “oh okay, thanks though” and keep it moving but it’s hard for me. I know I’m no Chinua or Chimamanda but I feel so strongly about the things I write and sometimes when the criticism comes across so harshly, my feelings get hurt. The ironic thing is that there’s a particular friend I have that steady gives me criticism who I still constantly send stuff to. It’s usually a healthy dose of criticism but because I take things personally, it can sometimes feel like swords and daggers. (This is not me asking you to be any less honest with me though.)
With my character and my actions, they kind of cross over. Let’s face it, I am an amazing individual *duh* but I also know that I’m far from the person I want to be and so I’m a constant work in progress. By nature, I will offend people by saying or doing the wrong thing or failing to say or do the right thing. The reason I’m mostly termed as being “defensive” in situations that involve criticism of my character and actions is because I’m always (according to my accusers) trying to justify myself or explain away why I did what I did or said what I said. The honest truth is that I mostly feel that the person who is offended feels that way because they don’t understand where I’m coming from and by explaining, my intention is to make them understand so that they do not feel offended anymore. It’s really hard to listen to someone go on and on in anger about something when in my head I’m screaming, “Noooo! That’s not what I meant!” But then when I try to make them understand, I’m being defensive. It’s actually not a nice feeling. Then it leads to a long conversation that just goes back and forth and ends up leaving all parties involved feeling more offended than they should.
I guess you can say I hate being misunderstood and I really find it hard to let people go on and on in their misunderstanding. However when it comes to offending people, I learnt something important from the article I mentioned above: “When someone says we have hurt them, we really don’t get to decide that we didn’t.” I realize that by insisting that the person wouldn’t feel hurt if they understood what I was trying to say, I am not really acknowledging the fact that I have hurt them and that they are well within their rights to feel hurt. It’s my responsibility to apologize first before “justifying” my position.
I’m not making any promises but from here on out, I’ll try to be less defensive especially when it comes to dealing with people with hurt feelings. Maybe it’s as a result of past experiences or being non-vocal about my feelings for years but this defensive thing…*smiles* I’ll work on it.
P.S: Defensive-ers Anonymous is welcoming new members and there’s no sign-up or late registration fee.
-Thanks for stopping by.
Image Source: http://www.recruiter.com
TheDOTKBlog 
June 24, 2015 at 4:15 pm
I enjoyed reading this!
I’m so happy that my post resonated so much and inspires this.
You’ve put into words something a lot of us feel when confronted with a misunderstanding but the important thing is to prioritise the person who’s hurt and then everything else will follow.
PS: I have a secret, I’m the chair lady Defensivers anonymous [currently in rehab] obviously on the mend & recovery. Don’t sweat it!
Cheers xx
June 24, 2015 at 4:45 pm
Thank you so much for stopping by! Again, I really loved your post.
Lol, hey chair! We’re glad to have you! xx
June 24, 2015 at 4:57 pm
Nice…Nice…Cool…its good to consider other people’s feelings…but ain’t nothing wrong with defending your actions or explaining why you did what you did…it might not end all d time with the other person feeling less hurt sometimes just saying sorry or letting it go might not help matters because the other person would not understand why you do what you do…and other issues are bound to come up some other time… Anyways i concur that we should try to hurt people less…. i guess am gonna join ur group of Defensive-ers Anonymous
June 24, 2015 at 5:03 pm
I agree with ensuring that the person understands what you were trying to say by explaining yourself but where there are hurt feelings, I feel apologizing first is important.
You’re welcome to D.A. by the way, we’re more than happy to have you! xx
June 24, 2015 at 5:51 pm
Hellur gurl *hi5* people don’t even get it on how it’s so annoying to be misunderstood and you know how I have that voice thing that just makes people never get me. It’s really annoying! Oh and yeah, this article is defensive as well and I looovvveee it because, we don’t curr don’t curr. Haha anyways, well done as usual. Mwahahaha
June 24, 2015 at 7:16 pm
Loool yes this post in itself is defensive but I feel you girl! It’s really annoying to be misunderstood.
June 24, 2015 at 9:05 pm
I try 2 pruv a point or defend my action wen sumone says u did sumfing n d 1st i hear s hmmm aunty defensive eyaf start…ts painful tho because m like u sed ur own na.lemme talk my own…oh well…ve learnt dat n tryin 2 defend myself i will just calm my voice and express myself..
June 24, 2015 at 9:18 pm
Lol girl I can so relate. Especially when the person has said their piece but when it’s your turn to respond then you’re defensive. That’s the part of this supposedly being defensive thing that annoys me.
June 25, 2015 at 9:47 am
I was just thinking about this recently. Many times I happen to offend people, and to me the anger will never be justified. I’ve also realized I shouldn’t try justifying my actions first. Apologizing should always be the first step I suppose. We can’t decide what hurts someone else.
June 25, 2015 at 9:59 am
Yeah. It’s not our place to decide that someone’s anger is not justified (which can be really hard in some situations) so an apology is always the best first step.
June 26, 2015 at 12:27 am
Great write up !
”I realize that by insisting that the person wouldn’t feel hurt if they understood what I was trying to say, I am not really acknowledging the fact that I have hurt them and that they are well within their rights to feel hurt. It’s my responsibility to apologize first before “justifying” my position”
Story of my life!
Where can I sign up please?
June 26, 2015 at 12:45 am
Lol! Girl you’re welcome to the group!